if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
