Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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