If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
