THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
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