I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
