did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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