the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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