well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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