Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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