I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
