OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
