So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
