No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I forget how to act sober
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize