I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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