I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
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