just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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