Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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