dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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