Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
