I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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