I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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