Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
