Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
