Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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