One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
