Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
