god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
