I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
