The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
