I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
