i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
