Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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