I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
