Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
