Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
