UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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