so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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