The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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