she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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