I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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