I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
