She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
