Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
