Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
