Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
