I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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