Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
whose parrot is this?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
