drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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