We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
