Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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