so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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