Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
