She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
