fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
