I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
