college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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