We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
