My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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