im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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