I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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