it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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