Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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