You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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