I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
