I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
