either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I think I just sharted jello shots
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