I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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