Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
