so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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