it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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