I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize