Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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